I have to feel it to heal it.
I’ve never been at this stage with a prospective partner within a spiritual framework. What I mean by that is that I’ve frequently been in that delicious state just beyond friendship where two parties are deciding just how close to get, but I’ve never been there with someone along with a Higher Power.
Admittedly, a little weird. I don’t recall ever praying with someone other than my sponsor, not counting group functions – I mean intimate and personal. While it feels weird, it also feels warm and secure. Usually I pretty much barrel ahead with whatever I want and just hope God lets me have it. Now we’re moving a whole lot slower and praying a lot more and listening for guidance. If we’re doing what God wants for us, we can’t really go that wrong, can we?
It’s really intimate, praying with someone. It’s vulnerable and scary. My relationship with God is quite intimate, even though I don’t communicate nearly often enough. To draw another human being into that gives me the jibblies, but I feel good about it too. Especially due to the level of respect and support the other person is showing me.
About the function I was going to attend in the summer – I RSVPd “no”. I’m also considering a lot of things I hadn’t been willing to consider before. Let’s see what God has to say about them.
Sometimes I have big powerful feelings that I don’t know what they are. That happened to me today. I called my sponsor and she talked me through it, through feeling my feelings and not attempting to label or judge them, just to figure out if I want to continue to feel them or decide that I’m done with them now and set them aside. Just looking at them from that point of view took the panic out of them and made them feel smaller in scale, so I let them run their course.
Still don’t know what they are, but I don’t have to force it. It’s good to have feelings. I’ll probably know eventually what these were. At the very least, they made me pay attention to my life.
It’s so strange how my thoughts and feelings are so often disconnected. Growing up, feelings got me in so much trouble that I stuffed them a lot, which worked for awhile until I found myself sometimes in a perpetual state of rage.
The program has given me the gift of permission to feel my feelings and that’s a wonderful thing. But sometimes I feel feelings and don’t understand what they are about. I have to stop and think about what’s been going on to see if the feelings are connected to something. I also have attacks of depression, so sometimes the feelings really aren’t connected to anything but just a biological condition, and I can take comfort in knowing the attack will pass and all will be fine again.
It’s dismaying to discover that there really is a reason for a particular feeling, but to not feel the connection. Not sure if this is coming across clearly or not.
I was sitting at my desk just doing my work when a spasm of sadness hit me so hard it shook me. I had to stop and think, What happened today? Of course, today is the day I found out that my favorite aunt had passed away in the night. When I first got the news, I was sad, but I didn’t seem to feel the impact I expected. I didn’t know what to make of it but accepted it and carried on with my day. It wasn’t in my mind when this feeling hit me, and I had to go find this fact again.
This process makes me feel a bit inhuman and it is necessary to refrain from judging. Some of my tools are broken. I wouldn’t be in a program if I functioned correctly. It’s okay to accept that things are a little disconnected.
What’s heartening is that I’m actually feeling, even if delayed, even if puzzling, my feelings. It means there is progress.
I’m going to miss my aunt, and it’s shocking and sad to lose her, and to lose her so suddenly. I can pray for her and hope she is in the bosom of her own Higher Power. I can thank my Higher Power for these new abilities, for making me more human, a few inches at a time.