When an incident occurs and feelings are hurt, I need to inventory it for my part and make whatever amends are appropriate. I need to also take care of myself. Some of the amends I might owe may be toward me. Here are some questions I am asking myself to help inventory the incident:

  1. Did I engage in unacceptable behavior?
  2. Did the other person engage in unacceptable behavior?
  3. Did I have acceptance?
  4. Did I maintain detachment?
  5. Did I maintain my boundaries?
  6. What was my part that led up to the incident?
  7. What can I do to make amends for my part?
  8. Am I expecting the other person to make amends for their part? Is that appropriate?
  9. Did I presume goodwill? Do I presume goodwill now?
  10. Have I been trying to make someone else responsible for my feelings?
  11. Have I been assuming responsibility for someone else’s feelings?
  12. What can I do right now to take care of myself?
I need to remember that I didn’t Cause someone else’s internal issues. I can’t Control them and I can’t Cure them. I can Contribute to a loving environment or a hateful one – that part is my choice.
I can apply the first three Steps, knowing that I am powerless over other people, that there is a Higher Power, and that I can let that Higher Power work things out the way they need to be.