I’ve been having a bit of an obsession problem lately. I’m having trouble letting go of someone else’s wrongful resentment of me. It recently surfaced that they bitterly resent me for not having done something they wanted me to do some time ago. It hurts, because at that time I did a great deal of research about what they wanted done, to include consulting the authorities. I reported in detail why I would be unable to perform the task and thought I was well understood.

This came to light recently because I called the person out on unacceptable behavior, and they angrily responded that the reason for the behavior was my failure to do this thing.

This person is one of my qualifiers. I know that it is useless to argue with someone whose illness makes them forget facts that don’t fit with their worldview. I know that proving myself right won’t actually resolve anything – they’ll resent me for that as well, and for anything else remotely related. Alcoholism is a disease of resentments, and those resentments belong to them, not to me, even if I’m the object.

I know these things in my brain, but I don’t always remember them in my heart or my spirit. My sickness whispers to me, “If only they realized you did all you could, they wouldn’t be so upset with you anymore, and you could be together again and live happily ever after. It’s just a misunderstanding.”

I want to be free of this pain, so I’m doing some of the things that are meant to help, and maybe they eventually will.

  • I am praying, “Thy will be done.”
  • I am praying for the other person to have all of the things I want for myself.
  • I am praying for my Higher Power to take over this, and that I am letting it go.
  • I am telling myself that the illness makes people forget things like this and makes them build resentments. It’s not about me.
  • I am reminding myself that this is a sick person and it’s a sad thing, but I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Cure it, and I can’t Control it – I can only choose not to Contribute to it.

I think it’s starting to work. The prevalent feeling is starting to be a sad resignation rather than a deep and personal hurt. I don’t have a relationship with this person any longer but sometimes believe it would be wonderful to have one again. There were so many good things about the relationship, and it’s so easy sometimes to forget the pain. This is part of my own obsession. I have to remember what my boundaries are, what my needs are. Conditions are not even remotely right for seeing each other, not by miles.

So the loss I feel … well, I had hoped too soon, hadn’t I?

Meanwhile, I write this entry because, to be honest, I feel the powerful urge to tell my story and to be right. I know that’s part of my sickness too. What should I be doing instead?