Tag: denial

… and a House

Posted on by Any Al-Anon

The House was waiting for us when returned. Right where we left it. The spouse and the pet were happy to be home. I was relieved to be done with the traveling for a bit. But the House was there. Right where I left it.

Sometimes I kind of get used to it and don’t think about it very much. I’d like to get into that state today. It would make me more comfortable. I have so much to be grateful for. I have a warm, dry place to sleep where there isn’t any violence and where I can put some of my stuff. That hasn’t always been the case in my life. The animals have sufficient space to do what they need to do comfortably. If they need to chase or hide or stalk or whatever, they can do it pretty easily.

My internal whiner is whining yesterday and today about not really having a home. My spouse was widowed before me. My spouse is also something of a hoarder. So the house is full, and it’s full of their life together. I have to try to fit myself in the edges and the cracks of what there is.

My spouse wants to be supportive but doesn’t know how. I’ve been told to change whatever I want, that it’s my home now too. So I make some changes. To be fair, many are met with approval and encouragement. Some are not. I’ve asked for two less-important rooms of the house to do with what I want and was given the go-ahead. In one, it’s gone well. The other is much, much harder. If my spouse can’t find something that lives in that room, there is hardship for both of us.

It’s in my nature to want a swift and radical fix to any situation, so of course what I want right now is a different house. Hopefully in a different place entirely. Maybe with a different job and everything.

On our trip, we discovered a lovely little town in a lovely little area, and in it, a lovely little house that’s for sale. My brain is all over that. We could move there and in the process jettison so much redundant stuff, and we could put away so much of the life-that-was-theirs stuff and replace it with life-that-is-ours stuff. It would all immediately be fixed and we could Live Happily Ever After.

That sort of thing never works of course. That’s how I wound up with a house before, more or less, thinking that a different structure in a different place would solve all our problems, and instead we wound up with a whole new set of problems along with several of the old.

Then I remember a thing that went right. I accepted that my HP might never let me move away from the place I hated to live. So I had to find some way to accept that place and be happy with it. I realized it was the region that I hated but it had a lovely town in it. So I chose the town and my HP made available an affordable place in a delightful neighborhood. I moved in and personalized it completely and was so content with it.

I kind of tried to do that with this house. I tried to accept that my HP may require me to live here until my spouse dies, so I asked for the two rooms so that I can personalize them completely and be happy with them. But I don’t actually have one of the rooms, really. A bunch of stuff is stored there that I don’t feel at liberty to move or store somewhere else.

Maybe I need to stand up for this room. Maybe I need to relocate these things.

It’s just so much easier to daydream over the lovely little house in the lovely little town, isn’t it? And make myself miserable in doing so.

Thoughts and Feelings

Posted on by Any Al-Anon

It’s so strange how my thoughts and feelings are so often disconnected. Growing up, feelings got me in so much trouble that I stuffed them a lot, which worked for awhile until I found myself sometimes in a perpetual state of rage.

The program has given me the gift of permission to feel my feelings and that’s a wonderful thing. But sometimes I feel feelings and don’t understand what they are about. I have to stop and think about what’s been going on to see if the feelings are connected to something. I also have attacks of depression, so sometimes the feelings really aren’t connected to anything but just a biological condition, and I can take comfort in knowing the attack will pass and all will be fine again.

It’s dismaying to discover that there really is a reason for a particular feeling, but to not feel the connection. Not sure if this is coming across clearly or not.

I was sitting at my desk just doing my work when a spasm of sadness hit me so hard it shook me. I had to stop and think, What happened today? Of course, today is the day I found out that my favorite aunt had passed away in the night. When I first got the news, I was sad, but I didn’t seem to feel the impact I expected. I didn’t know what to make of it but accepted it and carried on with my day. It wasn’t in my mind when this feeling hit me, and I had to go find this fact again.

This process makes me feel a bit inhuman and it is necessary to refrain from judging. Some of my tools are broken. I wouldn’t be in a program if I functioned correctly. It’s okay to accept that things are a little disconnected.

What’s heartening is that I’m actually feeling, even if delayed, even if puzzling, my feelings. It means there is progress.

I’m going to miss my aunt, and it’s shocking and sad to lose her, and to lose her so suddenly. I can pray for her and hope she is in the bosom of her own Higher Power. I can thank my Higher Power for these new abilities, for making me more human, a few inches at a time.