Happy New Year! I hope that all had a good Christmas, if they celebrate it. Afraid it wasn’t so good for me.

My spouse is not an alcoholic, as far as either of us can tell, but this person is very, very sick just the same. I did not expect the sickness to manifest so strongly during this time. Holidays in previous years have not been like this, far as I can recall. Our marriage is rocky now, true, but nothing like last year. This time I had invited my beloved to my house for an extended period, made possible by extra days off work.

Big mistake. No one knows how to push an Al-Anon’s buttons quite like an equally sick spouse, and this was true here too. Do you know that prayer that contains, “this man is sick; God save me from anger”? I said this one over and over. For two days my spouse did every annoying or obstructive thing possible. It was very difficult not to shout, “Why are you provoking me so?!”

The third day my spouse became fragile and weepy and moody. I didn’t know what to do with this. I gave reassurances of my love, but there really was nothing further I could do.

I feel ashamed to say that I was grateful and relieved when my spouse finally went home, and my own home became cleared of the stress and irritation. I remembered what it had been like living together, it being like this much of the time, when I had no boundaries nor space to be alone in.

I would love to say I called my sponsor, that I formed and maintained healthy boundaries, that I built some pockets of alone time. I did none of these things, none having occurred to me. I was too deep in my own misery and self-absorption.

Maybe next time I will do this better.

I wrote this whole big long post via mobile earlier today and then lost the whole thing looking at my calendar. Good lesson not to take myself so seriously.

It was about Thanksgiving going so well. No big drama. Nice bonding. My huge sorrow that one of my siblings is in so much pain from the family disease, and there’s nothing I can do but mention Al-Anon every once in a long while. And then let go the results.

Yesterday’s meeting was timely. We studied the 11 Dec entry in Courage to Change. It’s about money, which is a big huge deal for me right now. I’ve been freaking out about the many obligations on the near horizon. But my HP has always caused such things to work out in the past. If I have faith, remember that, and live in today, I will be fine. Turn it over!