“Your loved one is headed straight to hell. If you don’t take care of yourself, you are headed straight to hell too!”

You should have seen my shocked face. We don’t talk religion in here! And we surely don’t speak in the second person. What the heck?!?!

Turned out the speaker was speaking metaphorically, not literally. Addiction to alcohol or drugs is an ever-intensifying hell, and being a family member obsessed with someone in addiction is also an ever-intensifying hell. I can’t save them, but I can save me by practicing a program, changing the focus back to me and trusting in my Higher Power.

The speaker clarified that’s what they meant, and I felt a lot better after that.

I heard today a more orderly and succinct way to practice following my HP’s will for me. A speaker said that what she does when investigating a course of action is to take a single step and then ask HP to block it or bless it. And do that at each step. Generally, if it’s not HP’s will, a very clear obstacle will appear to block that course.

That is exactly how my HP has worked for me but I didn’t have the clarity to ask for block it or bless it. Now I can! Thanks, speaker!

The other day while praying at the beginning of a work week, I had a revelation that was so astonishing to me. I pray by writing, and I was at the end of the notebook. So a couple of days later, as I began to forget what I had learned, I dug the notebook back out and reread the entry. Now I’m keeping it out so I can read it as often as I need to. Here are some excerpts.

One thing I need to ask You about. You know how I feel about annual review. My manager thinks it’s entirely normal to use the Flag Down Somebody method of training, and to take well over a year doing it. I don’t like it. For one thing it’s not my learning style. For another, and I know I’m being judgmental, it’s stupidly inefficient and wasteful! I probably need to let that second thing go because plainly the company is fine with it and the very nature of my irritation signals a desire to control.

I have choices. I probably have lots of choices but two that are obvious are:

1) Stay in this position and go all in on [software].

2) Throw myself into cloud and try to get stolen by another team.

Throwing myself into [one cloud] has not gone all that well so far. It’s really hard. And I can’t do it on my on-duty time. I have to devote that to [software]. I don’t like [software]. [One cloud] is hard. I heard [two other clouds] are just as hard. I am talking the certification exams, not the platforms themselves. …

I have such a lack of acceptance of this team. There is no camaraderie, no rapport. If I stay, could I help with that? Is that what You want of me? Does it look more attractive because it looks easier than [one cloud]? I surely could do without the stress of studying [one cloud] all the time. It’s starting to look like I should go all in on [software] and [database]. Maybe I can learn to see this (stupid!!!) training method as a period of grace and gentleness that is a gift from You to me right now. Did You do that? Did You arrange a slacker job for me so that I could recharge and recoup and get through menopause with this hormone brain and be okay? Have I tripped over one of Your blessings and failed to notice because I’ve been complaining about not being useful? Have I found my answer, then? Did You do this for me? Then I must turn my energies to [software] and [database] and make the most of this. I will cancel the [one cloud] exam. Thank You for this blessing! I am sorry I didn’t see it right away. May I make best use of it and be a help to others. Thy will, not mine, be done. Amen.

So, each day I need to remember to stop criticizing the training and the team. How can I Let It Begin With Me? Can I reach out more to team members in honest exchange? Can I greet them daily, ask questions, thank them? Can I say great things about them when they are helpful to me and skip criticizing when they are not? Can I work harder on developing the training materials that I wish existed already? Can I leave work behind when duty hours are over and instead love my life?

I believe I can do all these things. But it requires setting aside my obsessions and judgments. That’s the part I need a lot more practice with.

Finally recorded an audio version, arranged differently than when last posted. Feel free to use however you like.

Thy Will

I decide
To turn my will and my life
Over to Your care

I decide
To turn my will and my life
Over to Your care

I pray only
For knowledge of Your will for me
And power
To carry it out

I pray only
For knowledge of Your will for me
And power
To carry it out

God, please
Grant me serenity
To accept the things
I cannot change

God, please
Grant me courage
To change the things
I can

God, please
Grant me wisdom
To know what
The difference is

God, please
May Thy will
Not mine
Be done

Thy will
Not mine
Be done

Thy will
Not mine
Be done

Amen

I keep forgetting to consider that my changing biology could be a factor in my irritability. Most of my adult life, I could have as much coffee as I liked. A few weeks ago I started getting the jitters if I had more than two. Last week I got the jitters after only two. So now it’s one. Will it soon be zero? Could the jitters be related to irritability? Could my symptom be a physical one rather than a spiritual one?

  • My will is an investment, and in the past I didn’t invest it very well. But if I invest it into my HP’s will, my HP will invest in me.
  • Superman doesn’t just hang out with kryptonite.
  • Gratitude is a salve. Apply liberally.
  • In the three Cs, if there’s a fourth C that is “contribute” – how am I contributing? If it’s negative, it’s C minor. If it’s positive, it’s C major and that changes everything.
  • The concept of abundance also applies to time.
  • Note to self: add “please” to Serenity Prayer.