I remember being like this before Al-Anon. It was really discouraging.
It’s so strange how my thoughts and feelings are so often disconnected. Growing up, feelings got me in so much trouble that I stuffed them a lot, which worked for awhile until I found myself sometimes in a perpetual state of rage.
The program has given me the gift of permission to feel my feelings and that’s a wonderful thing. But sometimes I feel feelings and don’t understand what they are about. I have to stop and think about what’s been going on to see if the feelings are connected to something. I also have attacks of depression, so sometimes the feelings really aren’t connected to anything but just a biological condition, and I can take comfort in knowing the attack will pass and all will be fine again.
It’s dismaying to discover that there really is a reason for a particular feeling, but to not feel the connection. Not sure if this is coming across clearly or not.
I was sitting at my desk just doing my work when a spasm of sadness hit me so hard it shook me. I had to stop and think, What happened today? Of course, today is the day I found out that my favorite aunt had passed away in the night. When I first got the news, I was sad, but I didn’t seem to feel the impact I expected. I didn’t know what to make of it but accepted it and carried on with my day. It wasn’t in my mind when this feeling hit me, and I had to go find this fact again.
This process makes me feel a bit inhuman and it is necessary to refrain from judging. Some of my tools are broken. I wouldn’t be in a program if I functioned correctly. It’s okay to accept that things are a little disconnected.
What’s heartening is that I’m actually feeling, even if delayed, even if puzzling, my feelings. It means there is progress.
I’m going to miss my aunt, and it’s shocking and sad to lose her, and to lose her so suddenly. I can pray for her and hope she is in the bosom of her own Higher Power. I can thank my Higher Power for these new abilities, for making me more human, a few inches at a time.
… you arrive at work and it’s pandemonium all around and you think it’s fun.
Gah, I hate it when people heap praise upon me. It pinches my ego, which squeezes out both ends – excessive pride and self loathing.
The meeting will go however our Higher Power wills. I cannot control the outcome. This is simple but not easy.
I am powerless over the rate of time passing until the district meeting. Over how the meeting will go. Over my fears of failure and relapse.
My District comes back to life this weekend. My recovery cup runneth over!
Whee! I'm a dues-paying member of the Alano Club and my group made me GR!
I got choked up on the bus today because I suddenly realized I'm just so darn happy. Sometimes it still comes as a shock.
I'm so excited. Tomorrow I get to work Area Information Service and then attend a great meeting.