I was thinking today about taking care of what’s mine and letting go what’s not mine. I thought of a good example.

Assume I am on a team where I was taught than when an email comes in that’s relevant to a ticket in the system, I am supposed to copy/paste that email into the ticket, if it’s not already there. I am diligent with this. I never forget to check if the email is there, and I copy it over if not.

But I notice that team members from another shift don’t do it. Emails are missing from the ticket.

Old Me would hunt down all the relevant emails and copy them into the ticket. Or Old Me would report the lack to supervisors.

Old Me would resent that I do all the things and my colleagues don’t.

New Me would apply “How Important Is It?” New Me would ask myself if the information in the emails is easily findable if necessary. New Me would ask myself if anyone would actually be harmed. If it’s not so important that someone would be harmed, could New Me let it go?

If it were truly that important, wouldn’t the lack be obvious? Wouldn’t corrective training be happening?

None of that is my business. I’m doing what I’m supposed to, and that’s what’s in my purview.

Now if something is going on where a harm is happening that is outside my realm, it’s my right and my responsibility to mention it. Once. And then I need to let go of the results. Speaking up often is an attempt to control. And we already established that it’s outside my realm.

It’s so strange how my thoughts and feelings are so often disconnected. Growing up, feelings got me in so much trouble that I stuffed them a lot, which worked for awhile until I found myself sometimes in a perpetual state of rage.

The program has given me the gift of permission to feel my feelings and that’s a wonderful thing. But sometimes I feel feelings and don’t understand what they are about. I have to stop and think about what’s been going on to see if the feelings are connected to something. I also have attacks of depression, so sometimes the feelings really aren’t connected to anything but just a biological condition, and I can take comfort in knowing the attack will pass and all will be fine again.

It’s dismaying to discover that there really is a reason for a particular feeling, but to not feel the connection. Not sure if this is coming across clearly or not.

I was sitting at my desk just doing my work when a spasm of sadness hit me so hard it shook me. I had to stop and think, What happened today? Of course, today is the day I found out that my favorite aunt had passed away in the night. When I first got the news, I was sad, but I didn’t seem to feel the impact I expected. I didn’t know what to make of it but accepted it and carried on with my day. It wasn’t in my mind when this feeling hit me, and I had to go find this fact again.

This process makes me feel a bit inhuman and it is necessary to refrain from judging. Some of my tools are broken. I wouldn’t be in a program if I functioned correctly. It’s okay to accept that things are a little disconnected.

What’s heartening is that I’m actually feeling, even if delayed, even if puzzling, my feelings. It means there is progress.

I’m going to miss my aunt, and it’s shocking and sad to lose her, and to lose her so suddenly. I can pray for her and hope she is in the bosom of her own Higher Power. I can thank my Higher Power for these new abilities, for making me more human, a few inches at a time.