It’s frequently said that the active disease of alcoholism is baffling and cunning. The family disease is baffling and cunning, too, and putting together people who are recovering from each sometimes means life is really, really confusing. It’s easy to despair sometimes.

I went on retreat for 24 hours to do some prayer and meditation and some work on the Traditions. I came back on a high, feeling good about having figured out what it was that was disrupting our marriage. I was sure it had to do with shame, which is a hot trigger for both of us, and how feelings of shame, fear of shame, filters about shame, perceptions about others trying to inflict shame, and self-inflicted shame could be eroding our trust in each other. I sat down with my spouse to talk about this and am not quite sure we were both having the same conversation.

This is happening rather a lot. I think each of us has filters that are a lot thicker than either of us thought they were. Whenever I finally find out what my spouse heard, it doesn’t usually bear any resemblance to the thought I was trying to express.

My spouse’s mood is better, so I hope that means that some progress is occurring. We’re due to inventory our relationship this week, and I hope that means some progress is occurring too.

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