Someone shared with me this example of why I need to trust my HP.
What does my HP know that I don’t know? Put an ant on your steering wheel. How much does the ant know about driving? That’s what I know about the Universe.
Author: Any Al-Anon
I recently left a sick situation. It was a group of people who had a task to complete, but the focus of the task shifted from “how can we build our group” to “how can we keep people like this one we know from being jerks in our group” to “how can we keep that jerk out of our group”. I gave my input about this several times and finally had to set the boundary that if all group members are not invited and if the group can’t maintain its focus on its primary purpose, I would have to stop participating.
I stopped participating.
The members continue to email me about their progress, but it’s more of the same. Mostly I don’t respond. One member has been trying to get me to re-join the group, with lots of explanations about why I need to be there and what the group dynamics are and how my influence helps, etc.
It still boils down to those boundaries, though. That situation is about personalities instead of principles, and that’s a bad foundation for building something. I can’t get on board with that.
I’m done explaining. One thing I learned from working the program is that I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what someone else understands. If I am as clear – simple and brief – about my boundaries as I can be, and they still don’t understand, they may never understand. It serves neither of us for me to keep explaining. My rule of thumb: I usually give it one first try and two clarifications before I give up.
The above graphic appeared on my Facebook one day. I laughed and told my spouse, expecting to share the laugh. My spouse did not think it funny, instead considering this as an excuse to shut someone down, or shut them out, refusing to discuss a situation at all. I explained that the graphic isn’t about how to have a conversation. It’s about sick situations where someone is (or some people are) trying to gain control.
- One tries to control by explaining in an effort to turn the other person around.
- One tries to control by claiming not to understand in an effort to wear the other out.
Guess which one I generally was? If that person would only understand, they’d know how right I am and they would do the obvious right thing, which is what I want them to.
I had to learn to simplify my thinking and my language. I need to admit I might be wrong. If I can’t express my idea simply in few sentences, I really, really need to examine my thinking and my motives. Over-explaining is for me usually means I am making justifications. I’m trying to build a case for what I want. And here we are at control again.
Am listening to The Recovery Show right now. This is not an Al-Anon podcast, but Al-Anon members share their experience, strength, and hope in an anonymous fashion. I like it!
Things to think about, share about, and explore.
What’s the difference between … ?
What’s the difference between … ?
|
consideration
courtesy
compassion
caring
|
codependence
managing others’ feelings
|
|
acceptance
|
accepting unacceptable behavior
|
|
boundaries
|
controlling others
|
|
suggestion
carrying the message |
advice
|
|
confiding
sharing news |
gossiping
|
|
letting go
|
being a doormat
|
|
working the steps
|
step study
thinking about the steps
|
|
accepting responsibility for my behavior
|
accepting responsibility for other people’s feelings
|
|
communicating clearly
|
making someone understand
|
|
taking responsibility
|
controlling outcomes
|
|
care giving
|
caretaking
|
|
open meeting
|
closed meeting
|
|
love
empathy
|
pity
|
|
self care
keeping the focus on myself
|
selfishness
self-will
|
|
parenting
helping
being a good relative, friend, neighbor
service |
enabling
doing for others what they can do for themselves control |
|
surrender
|
submission
resignation
|
|
want
|
need
|
|
loving interchange
|
crosstalk
|
|
amends
|
apologies
|
|
Al-Anon
|
therapy
|
|
a spiritual program
|
a religious program
|
|
HP’s will
|
my will
|
|
intuition
|
stinkin’ thinkin’
|
|
detachment
|
cutting off
estrangement |
|
privacy
|
dishonesty
lying by omission
evasion secrecy |
Can you think of more differences to explore? Please feel free to share!
Oh those pesky, pesky policies in the service manual. Who are they to dictate how my Al-Anon meeting is run?!?!
“They” are “we”.
For our group purpose there is but one authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants – they do not govern. — Tradition Two
The ultimate responsibility and authority for Al-Anon world services belongs to the Al-Anon groups. — Concept One
I am the GR, the Group Representative, for my home group. I get the group conscience of my group and take it to Area assemblies. My Area Delegate takes the group conscience from all us GRs to the World Service Conference.
Usually, by the time something has become a policy, it has been talked to death, with all options explored and a universe of opinions added. Policies happen by consensus and often by unanimity. That’s a Higher Power as he may express himself in our group conscience.
Al-Anon was here long before I was, and the way it was when I found it was decided by its membership. I can participate in that now. But it really helps me to remember that “they” are “we”.
I’m a little discouraged. Generally, my spouse hosts a discussion group a few times a year that involve using the 12 traditions in our personal lives, and I’m now involved in hosting as well. Used to be, it was hard to get a seat in one of these, they’d fill up so fast, and people would have to wait for the next round.
We had one scheduled for January and had to cancel because nearly all the confirmed participants canceled the week prior. There’s one this weekend, and it too is being swept by last-minute cancellations. This happened for one of the sessions last year as well.
This is baffling. Is it God trying to tell us to stop hosting them? We usually schedule one when lots of people start asking us when the next one will be, expressing a lot of interest in participating.
We’ve decided that our boundary is going to be that when people start asking again, to tell them we’ll happily chair it, but they have to host it. I expect most if not all will decline, but that gives people a chance to find their level of commitment before we discover it in their last-minute cancellation.
I had a discussion with my spouse today about being inconsiderate. I did not mention that my spouse does things daily that I would categorize as inconsiderate, except that I know how much inattention and obliviousness are part of the disease, and not something a person would choose to have. I draw a distinction between not knowing and not caring, and that’s helps me keep a neutral perspective.
My spouse has expectations of consideration and gets offended if people fail to show it. Sometimes one of those people is me. I know there’s not much I can do about my spouse’s expectations. I can only affect my attitudes and behavior and make sure they are aligned with my own principles and recovery.
Part of the problem for me is telling where the line is between consideration and codependence. One of my parents and several of my step-parents raised me with a lot of faulty teaching about what consideration is, and I engaged in wildly codependent attitudes and behavior. It’s taken more than one set of 24 hours in program to veer away from that kind of thinking. I don’t want to go back to that kind of misery.
So today I am trying to think of examples and analogies that help me tell the difference between consideration and codependence. I’ve come up with one so far:
- If I am going to the kitchen to make a sandwich, it’s considerate to ask any others if they’d like something too.
- It’s considerate to ask if they’d like a sandwich, or possibly something else while I’m up.
- It’s codependent to act on the suggestion that I cook a meal, if I don’t actually want to.
- It’s codependent to make them a sandwich (or meal) without asking and become offended if they don’t want it.
- It’s codependent to make them a sandwich (or meal) without asking, if I don’t actually want to, whether they wind up wanting it or not.
- It’s considerate to make a sandwich without asking, if I accept that they might not want it, and I make a back-up plan, like sticking it in the fridge for my lunch later.
- It’s codependent if they say, “No thank you,” and then I take on guilt because they are hungry. (Or I believe they are hungry but lying to save my feelings, and I feel bad about that.)
- It does not violate consideration to say no if they ask for something I’m unwilling to do, but it’s more considerate to counter that with something I am willing to do. “No, I won’t cook spaghetti right now, but I’ll make you a ham sandwich too if you like.”
If someone expects me to do a codependent thing and I don’t, the question of consideration isn’t mine and I don’t have to take it on. I can love the person and let the whole thing go. The rest is up to them and their own Higher Power.
Somebody expressed to me one time a concern about a step study meeting. It wasn’t spelled out very clearly that the meeting was for studying the steps, rather than working them. So, what is the difference between doing step study and working the steps? Here are a few:
|
Step Study
|
Working the Steps
|
|
Involves developing as complete as possible an understanding of how to work the step, why work the step, and what the desired benefits of the step are.
|
Involves taking action to accomplish the steps. May include study as a component for each step, but study does not replace the need for action.
|
|
Can be done:
|
Should be done with your sponsor, with some tasks on your own or with an Al-a-Pal. You work out with your sponsor which tasks these are and when to do them.
|
|
Can be done at whatever pace you choose.
|
Should be done at whatever pace you agree to with your sponsor.
|
|
Should be done with Conference Approved Literature (CAL), although what an individual uses for their own benefit is strictly up to the individual and may include other sources. Any Al-Anon activities such as group study need to use CAL exclusively.
|
Should be done with Conference Approved Literature (CAL), although what an individual uses for their own benefit is strictly up to the individual and may include other sources. You and your sponsor work out which materials to work from.
|
My sibling posted this on Facebook. It’s funny this popped up right after I received a response from another sibling, a qualifier, to my 9th Step letter. The response was that what I did was unremembered and so far in the past, not to worry about it. It was loving and forgiving. I cried.
The illustration makes a point. I can apologize all day and all night and not make a damn thing better. Amends is more than apology. It is, as the word indicates, about mending. It’s about healing and making things right. I know not everyone will forgive me, and we won’t all go back to being pals, but if I clean up my side of the street and do all I can to mend the situation, I’ve done what I’m supposed to. I can look other people and myself in the eye. I gain integrity, and that’s important in defeating the family disease.