Once it became obvious the last relationship was over, and we were pretty much waiting for the paperwork, my sponsor said it would be the prime time to decide what I want in my next partner. I thought my sponsor was nuts, but after some explaining it did make sense. I could scope this out now while no one is on the horizon, so there’s no danger of making the criteria fit the candidate.

My sponsor encouraged me to spell out even the silly inducements, and to decide what kinds of obsessions in the other person I could handle. I was to think also about health and recovery. That led to some expository paragraphs in addition to the simple list.

I wrote these in my paper journal, in cursive, some time ago. But that’s not a handy location.
  • Respects me
  • Shares some of my interests
  • Respects and supports their family
  • Well employed
  • Can be silly, but not the default state
  • Can be very serious
  • Has goals and plans of their own
  • Expresses self in work or hobbies
  • At least as mature as I am
  • Dependable without being codependent
  • Caring without being a doormat
  • A good neighbor
  • A good friend
  • Accepting of me
  • Accepting of my sexuality
  • Accepting of my orientation
  • Non-controlling
  • Willing to dance, can enjoy it
  • Sexual compatibility
  • For whom sex is fun, pleasurable, feels good
  • Compatible sexual orientation
  • Has a dog!!!
  • Is happy
  • Not racist
  • Not politically extreme
  • Not prone to rage
I am still pondering on whether I could handle a relationship with a non-geek. I also have not decided if being a 12-stepper is requisite. Also pondering what kind of health issues I could handle.
Am not for compulsions in general, but could probably handle eating, fitness, or TV compulsions. Absolutely cannot handled criticism, drinking, drugs, gambling, or shopping compulsions.

So, after all this time I’m still having trouble not obsessing over an alcoholic. Maybe I shouldn’t read so much AA literature. It might be giving me the “if only”s. Well, I am acquiring the “if only”s via whatever source they come. I very much regret that my former life partner is still living in a seething ball of resentment and self-will, and that there is nothing at all I can do about it.

I tend to think, Oh if I send that book or this T-shirt or that medallion it would be the thing to prompt the other person into seriously working the steps, into genuinely becoming open minded. If I just say the right thing in an email or a greeting card, if I just nudge them just the right way …
That person has all the tools of the program they’ll ever need; if they don’t pick them up, that’s entirely between them and their HP. I know that. My brainmeats know that. More mysterious parts have yet to wake up to that.
I have a set of prayer beads I made myself that reflect my own spiritual and religious views. Most of my prayers are, “Thy will, not mine, be done,” and “God, grant me knowledge of Thy will for me and the power to carry that out.” Maybe for the time being I need a prayer to commend the person to their HP and move my focus back to me. Maybe I need also a prayer for freedom from obsession.
Think it’ll help?
By the way, I reached the end of Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) tonight. Spoiler: they all lived happily ever after.

Wow I haven’t posted in forever! So much has happened.

I now live in a completely different area, with different climate and culture and everything. I do not have a computer or Internet at home. Al-Anon meetings are very thin on the ground here, and I cannot reach them without a vehicle – they are located out of reach of the bus system. What a lot of new challenges!
I am so grateful for Al-Anon Phone Meetings. Thanks to a happy accident (HP?!?!), I bought a month’s worth Unlimited Nights and Weekends for my cell phone, so I am putting it to good use attending as many meetings as possible on Saturday and Sunday.
It does take a little patience. Meetings can be a little messy because of delay when unmuting and muting the phone. There are no facial cues for whose turn it is to speak, so we have to sort it out sometimes. But this is so good for my program! I am much more patient and understanding than I was the first time I attended a phone meeting, early this year.
What a blessing!