I was recently spontaneously invited to a function that could mean having to sleep over. I don’t always do well with spontaneity. It was a work night. There were chores needing to be done. I don’t really like sleeping elsewhere. I was overdue for a shower and not so willing to use someone else’s. The function involved an activity I don’t really like, plus crowds, lots of kids, and traffic. I had some food that needed dealt with that night else it would spoil.
But the person asking is one I like and am trying to build a friendship with, and the person kept giving me (unsuitable) solutions to my objections, so I engaged in my character defect and said “yes” when I really meant “no”.
It was miserable. It was crowded and small children were tantrum-infested and the traffic was awful. It was seriously late by the time I got home (I didn’t have to stay over after all, blessing of blessings!) and I was so tired that I improperly handled the food so it spoiled anyway. I had a horrible headache and the next day I was fatigued.
When I lay it out on the page like this, it’s obvious I should not have gone. When I was standing out by the car and objecting, I could not see it this clearly. I felt “no” in my heart but for some reason I was trying to overcome it.
Part of the problem is that I had accepted the invitation before I knew of the possible-stay-over component, at which I started to balk, and then right after that I remembered the food and other chores. I feel bad reneging in general, but I know it’s my right to change my mind. I didn’t exercise that right, though. And I did not have a good time.
I have heard many times in Al-Anon meetings that “no” is a complete sentence. I have to remember this is always true. I don’t have to give reasons; it’s not an obligation. It’s okay to say no.